Alone

It wasn’t always just bitter Saturday evenings

With broken hearts exchanged between us

There were moments when we’d see hope or fire

Burning in the warmth of our connection

The children never saw it once you fell in love with the bottle

Who lived in the basement and under the bed

Sometimes in your car or coat pocket

It bended us, that secret drink that wasn’t really a secret

Making us strangers in the most unsafe way

I remember coming home to the toddler, drinking your juice

Which they had added batteries to while your body spilled off the couch

In a lifeless tumble while Lightening McQueen’s face

Flashed on the menu screen, hours after the movie ending

You hadn’t died that night, not in a way that’s easy to understand

But I saw the person I loved was swallowed whole

By vapors of grain and years of grief

When spring comes I remember you for the promise you were

Capstone of safety and belongings, together we were supposed to

Overcome it all and find purpose

Only I found purpose in the baby and you found it in the bottle

Who never loved you back.

What cancer feels like

No one asks me what cancer feels like
Possibly because they are afraid
They might catch it from me
If I tell them about my pain
But you might want to know
Some day in the future
So I’ll tell you
Not about how long I have
Or don’t have
There is no answer to that
Instead I will tell you about the truth
Of dark loneliness which comes from
Needing to stay positive, brave and hopeful
To protect your loved ones from
The raw pain moving exerts over you
And the emptiness inside
When your Dr finally admits
What you knew all along
There are no good options
Now is the time to live
To make wishes come true
As though you keep a fucking fairy godmother
In your sock drawer for a rainy day
There isn’t a moment I don’t want to live
But cancer feels like pain
Indescribable and unbelievable pain
Sometimes worse pain than losing a baby
Just days after hearing her heartbeat
Both make you trust death
More than life
And you remember to stay positive, brave and hopeful
So no one else you love
Needs to know
Cancer feels like soul shattering life

Speak Now

Talk loudly if you need to sister,
Now is not the time to be silenced
Or held back by the layers of oppression
Be brave and speak truth right now
For years of being pushed back
Voices cast aside to reclaim the shadow
But do not turn your head sister
Do not stop speaking,
Especially when asked to “settle down”
Don’t, do not stop speaking
For all the years your voice has been shut off
Speak now, not just for your cause sister
Speak now for our daughters
Speak now for all the voices quieted
Before they ever had the chance to speak.

NaPoWriMo #8

by Alisa Muniz all rights reserved 2016

First I was hard and buried, no wait
before that I was part of my mother
then I became a piece that broke away
and fell to the ground

On the ground I hardened, feeling un-held,
exposed to the elements,
I learned to love the sun, moon and rain
amidst the lonely days

Over time, I began to change in ways I couldn’t see
sinking into my own rotting world
letting it cover me in mossy earthen dampness
somehow I stopped liking the sun on my face

Life in darkness became my home
safe in the crumbling folds of rotting bone
ancient tears and dried up ocean
but all I saw was the vacuity of the moment

Coarse deprecating eternities pushed and pulled
as I sat still in their quaking dissonance
a harmony of emptiness and loss
vibrating and shifting a dying within

Broken and collapsed I welcomed the sweet death
pieces of all I had to be disappeared
leaving me with nothing to contain my smallness
I started to expand

Pushing outward somehow I knew where to go
though I didn’t know where I was going
outside of my smallness it seemed I had purpose
and an inward propelling direction

Suddenly I was no longer dying darkness
or turned soil of the earth
without breath or fire
watered only occasionally

Reaching I discovered I was of the sacred earth, but not only earth
and in a moment became the wind in my budding awakening
fueled by the burning sun which called me to dance at the fireside
as rain sang songs in my turning opening spirit.

NaPoWriMo #12

Alisa Muñiz all rights reserved 2016

Beginnings, see also: failure; trust; endings

Value, where to seek

Boundaries, stop taking anymore shit

Clear, how to

Mind
Space
Time
Guilt

Celebrate, success

You’re, getting better

Endings, see also: failure; trust; beginnings

 

Part of the NaPoWriMo 2016 challenge

Withering Irises

Alisa Muniz Blanchard all rights reserved

Rumbling breath beating
Like hearts in the dark morning night
Clustered together we clench on to this momIRIS and Lenaent
Of whispering transition
Unknown mornings
I sit holding this old crone in one arm
With my young babe in the other
As fingers reach to
Feel breath
Feel memories
In your silly fur

I wish it would snow today
So that you could
Wrap your face in white
And vanishing snowballs
One more time
Before we have to face the truth
That you are so much a part of us
In your pitter patter panting presence,
You have done your work old girl
Building a home around us
Before we even knew we needed one.

Death

Alisa Muniz Blanchard all rights reserved

Death, it isn’t always quick, easy or gentle. Often there are heart wrenching moments of hope that “it” will get better.

But how does mystery heal or get better?

In what ways can wholeness mend except through transmutation?

So we sit, lingering in our aching hearts, as you take your time to finish the work you came to do.

Time makes only room to love you more.

RIP

Alisa Muniz Blanchard all rights reserved

The mysteries of existence
Well in tears
Like drops of light
Rolling down
My daughter’s
Sweet cheeks
Rivers and life
Open vulnerable space
In her mother’s heart.

                                        -rip Danny the bunny

Dear Spirit

Dear Spirit,
I appreciate the clear signals
You gift to me
Letting me know where
I should or shouldn’t be headed.

I know I will be there,
I know I am getting closer.

Thank you for clarity and a life
Of service
To that which is divinity.

Still, if I might ask a favor,
I would wish that you continue
To hold me in your grace and love
As I grow.

That I might not fear what comes
From the fire,
Toward my expanding heart.

For what can I bring to the world
If I fear the journey?

This kindling of my spirit
Yearns to grow into the fullness of
Organic magnitude within
One lasting moment
I call this life.

Alisa Muniz Blanchard all rights reserved