Alone

It wasn’t always just bitter Saturday evenings

With broken hearts exchanged between us

There were moments when we’d see hope or fire

Burning in the warmth of our connection

The children never saw it once you fell in love with the bottle

Who lived in the basement and under the bed

Sometimes in your car or coat pocket

It bended us, that secret drink that wasn’t really a secret

Making us strangers in the most unsafe way

I remember coming home to the toddler, drinking your juice

Which they had added batteries to while your body spilled off the couch

In a lifeless tumble while Lightening McQueen’s face

Flashed on the menu screen, hours after the movie ending

You hadn’t died that night, not in a way that’s easy to understand

But I saw the person I loved was swallowed whole

By vapors of grain and years of grief

When spring comes I remember you for the promise you were

Capstone of safety and belongings, together we were supposed to

Overcome it all and find purpose

Only I found purpose in the baby and you found it in the bottle

Who never loved you back.

What cancer feels like

No one asks me what cancer feels like
Possibly because they are afraid
They might catch it from me
If I tell them about my pain
But you might want to know
Some day in the future
So I’ll tell you
Not about how long I have
Or don’t have
There is no answer to that
Instead I will tell you about the truth
Of dark loneliness which comes from
Needing to stay positive, brave and hopeful
To protect your loved ones from
The raw pain moving exerts over you
And the emptiness inside
When your Dr finally admits
What you knew all along
There are no good options
Now is the time to live
To make wishes come true
As though you keep a fucking fairy godmother
In your sock drawer for a rainy day
There isn’t a moment I don’t want to live
But cancer feels like pain
Indescribable and unbelievable pain
Sometimes worse pain than losing a baby
Just days after hearing her heartbeat
Both make you trust death
More than life
And you remember to stay positive, brave and hopeful
So no one else you love
Needs to know
Cancer feels like soul shattering life

A poem of poetry

A poem of poetry
Smells like the color blue
Tastes like the sunrise
Sounds like the living room carpet
on a still sunny afternoon
Feels like the dryer buzzer
signaling the end of a cycle
Looks like the sweetness of yeast
expanding to make bread dough rise.
-a

one year later

Alisa Muñiz 2017 all rights reserved

One year later
The scar remains
Still present
Though less tender
Between the bruises of love
You burned onto my spirit
And onto my skin
How was I to know
-18 degrees made it impossible
To register the pain
How was I to know
I would miss the aching reminder
Love is not pain

One year later
The scar remainsimg_8671

Love is neither patient nor kind
She’s a vicious beast
Devouring hope, dreams and self esteem
Next time I see her,
I’m going to bust her knee caps in
Or beg her to take my pathetic ass back.

Pressure

The pressure of your body
Is 10 steps away
7 of them
Up the steep
Narrow
Spiral staircase
I didn’t sleep a wink
You, so close
I hear your breath
As you sleep
And you, so far away
I am not sure
We ever touched

Alisa Muñiz MarrowSong All rights reserved 2017

Resentment

Resentment does not grow in neat rows
It is more like the spontaneous patch of crabgrass
I’ve seen it before, overtaking my garden
And I fear that even though
Our love is so big
Our love is so whole
The crabgrass will push through
As you realize I am not
The source of  perfection
I reflect back to you

Alisa Muñiz MarrowSong All rights reserved 2017

Survival Speculation

I am feeling very raw in my human experience today.

No particular reason,

More like a million particle reasons

Floating around in matter of mind-heart space.

I’m just breathing, remembering I am love(d).

Waves of honest truth bubbling up

Like the sweetness of being a mom,

When it wasn’t always so sweet as a kid,

In those moments I am failing But not hopeless

Waiting for response from the other side

A dissolved marriage,

Arriving at the dissolution of family vs the solution

I am met a passing breeze,

No longer the woman I met at the altar

But like the altered seams of my dress

Willing to change

Ultimately, I am ok.

Deeply and fully ok.

I carry in the cavernous halls of my soul,

A sustaining recollection of fortitude. And the physical pain in my bones reminds me

It is a gift to be alive,

While still the pain is like a sneak peak

Into what it might feel like to die.

But it is not time

This is just a moment of the journey

I’ve made it this far.

Through broken impoverished childhood, I have survive.

Through violations of body, flesh and safety, I have survived.

Through oceans rising and evaporating, I have survived. Having turned from the goddess’ first tear to the last grain of sand, I survived.

For only in this moment and only in my mind, is my fear greater than my truth.

I was born to live. I was born to know. I was born to be.

In within that, I shall thrive,

While being blessed with incredible moments of grace

Speak Now

Talk loudly if you need to sister,
Now is not the time to be silenced
Or held back by the layers of oppression
Be brave and speak truth right now
For years of being pushed back
Voices cast aside to reclaim the shadow
But do not turn your head sister
Do not stop speaking,
Especially when asked to “settle down”
Don’t, do not stop speaking
For all the years your voice has been shut off
Speak now, not just for your cause sister
Speak now for our daughters
Speak now for all the voices quieted
Before they ever had the chance to speak.